(Illustration by Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)
‘Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about sex.’
Yes, Salt-N-Pepa lyrics are obviously the correct way to introduce a ranking of sex positions.
Whether you grew up studying More!’s Position Of The Fortnight (RIP) or have simply found one old faithful and stuck to it, you’re bound to have a preference.
But not all ways of doing the nasty are created equal.
Here’s 21 sex positions ranked from worst to best.
21. Anal
I remember the good old days when a BJ was considered risque.
20. The X
One of those complicated positions you read about in a magazine, try on his birthday, then vow never to bother with again.
Basically, he lies back and you lie back, your limbs form an X and you’re supposed to have sex like that. Good luck.
‘Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about sex.’
Yes, Salt-N-Pepa lyrics are obviously the correct way to introduce a ranking of sex positions.
Whether you grew up studying More!’s Position Of The Fortnight (RIP) or have simply found one old faithful and stuck to it, you’re bound to have a preference.
But not all ways of doing the nasty are created equal.
Here’s 21 sex positions ranked from worst to best.
21. Anal
I remember the good old days when a BJ was considered risque.
20. The X
One of those complicated positions you read about in a magazine, try on his birthday, then vow never to bother with again.
Basically, he lies back and you lie back, your limbs form an X and you’re supposed to have sex like that. Good luck.
19. Wheelbarrow
You read somewhere that having your head near the floor increases sexual excitement, so you try this then bugger your wrist.
18. Headrush
He lies on the floor with his legs on the bed and you attempt to finish him off before he blacks out.
17. Tea-bagging
Fine as long as you don’t want to eat figs again any time soon.
16. Pretzel
You read somewhere that having your head near the floor increases sexual excitement, so you try this then bugger your wrist.
18. Headrush
He lies on the floor with his legs on the bed and you attempt to finish him off before he blacks out.
17. Tea-bagging
Fine as long as you don’t want to eat figs again any time soon.
16. Pretzel
This is an exact representation of what you should be doing in the bedroom (Picture: Getty)
A variation on missionary in which she slots one leg between yours and has the other on one side.
About as dry as the name.
15. 69
Would you like to give very shoddy oral sex while receiving very shoddy oral sex because you’re both too distracted to get it more than half right?
Then why not try this cult classic.
14. Spoons
Supposed to be romantic, which is weird because you can’t see their face which means it’s the easiest one to do picturing Channing Tatum in Magic Mike XXL instead.
A variation on missionary in which she slots one leg between yours and has the other on one side.
About as dry as the name.
15. 69
Would you like to give very shoddy oral sex while receiving very shoddy oral sex because you’re both too distracted to get it more than half right?
Then why not try this cult classic.
14. Spoons
Supposed to be romantic, which is weird because you can’t see their face which means it’s the easiest one to do picturing Channing Tatum in Magic Mike XXL instead.
13. V
As in you lie down, he has your legs on his shoulders and away you go. Designed for deeper penetration and G spot stimulation, which is all very well if he’s small-medium but frankly a liability if he’s a large.
12. Cunnilingus
Meh.
11. Standing
Really only works if you’re half way there beforehand.
10. Reverse cowgirl
Hat optional (Picture: Getty)
Bit weird looking at his feet, plus you might break him.
9. Lapdance
I mean I’ve made it sound more glamorous than it is.
We’re basically talking f*cking someone on a chair. Still, makes a change.
8. Face-sitting
Dirty, with the added excitement of possible asphyxiation.
7. Hand job
Pretty great until you/your partner starts getting RSI.
6. Cowgirl
Easy enough and men seem to like it.
5. Blow job
Bit weird looking at his feet, plus you might break him.
9. Lapdance
I mean I’ve made it sound more glamorous than it is.
We’re basically talking f*cking someone on a chair. Still, makes a change.
8. Face-sitting
Dirty, with the added excitement of possible asphyxiation.
7. Hand job
Pretty great until you/your partner starts getting RSI.
6. Cowgirl
Easy enough and men seem to like it.
5. Blow job
NB You don’t actually have to blow during a blow job (Picture: Getty)
*Waits for torrent of abuse for putting this higher than cunnilingus*
4. Tit wank
Really easy (if you’ve got big boobs), and men seem to really like it.
The perfect combination of sexiest and laziest thing you can do and, yes, one of you can do other stuff at the same time.
3. Missionary
Call it vanilla if you like, but there’s a reason vanilla’s the most popular flavour of icecream.
If you can master the Coital Alignment Technique while you’re at it you’re well away.
2. Face to face
As in you both sit up and kiss passionately while you’re at it. Basically the definition of making love.
1. Doggy
You know I’m right.
*Waits for torrent of abuse for putting this higher than cunnilingus*
4. Tit wank
Really easy (if you’ve got big boobs), and men seem to really like it.
The perfect combination of sexiest and laziest thing you can do and, yes, one of you can do other stuff at the same time.
3. Missionary
Call it vanilla if you like, but there’s a reason vanilla’s the most popular flavour of icecream.
If you can master the Coital Alignment Technique while you’re at it you’re well away.
2. Face to face
As in you both sit up and kiss passionately while you’re at it. Basically the definition of making love.
1. Doggy
You know I’m right.
Metro
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