Well, this is uncomfortable. (Picture: Paramount/No Strings Attached)
Sex is one of those things that, despite being experienced, almost properly grown up people, we’ll never feel like a total expert in.
Whether it’s extremely condom-focused sex ed lessons or the filtered, candlelit world of rom-coms, our main sources of sexual expertise seriously let us down when it comes to a few important things.
Like dealing with awkwardness. Because that’s what sex is made up of, a lot of the time: weird, uncomfortable, borderline embarrassing moments, that we don’t know how to process. Because NO ONE EVER MENTIONED THEM.
Maybe in addition to the hour we spent watching our PE teachers trying to slip a condom on a banana, we could have dedicated a few minutes to covering these things.
Sex is one of those things that, despite being experienced, almost properly grown up people, we’ll never feel like a total expert in.
Whether it’s extremely condom-focused sex ed lessons or the filtered, candlelit world of rom-coms, our main sources of sexual expertise seriously let us down when it comes to a few important things.
Like dealing with awkwardness. Because that’s what sex is made up of, a lot of the time: weird, uncomfortable, borderline embarrassing moments, that we don’t know how to process. Because NO ONE EVER MENTIONED THEM.
Maybe in addition to the hour we spent watching our PE teachers trying to slip a condom on a banana, we could have dedicated a few minutes to covering these things.
1. Where does the cum go?
This is the biggest, most glaring omissions of all sex-related discussions, be it sex ed, glossy mags, or TV and film. I can’t be the only person who’s thought that a guy’s cum/sperm/holy water is magically absorbed by the vagina, never to be seen again.
No-one discusses the post sex waddle to grab a tissue. Or the slow, uncomfortable drip.
No. Instead, we get people on TV going straight from condom-free sex into romantic snuggling. As though there isn’t going to be a cold, depressing wet patch.
2. Positions
First off, sex ed never even mentions positions. And, not to blow everyone’s minds here, but there are some people who aren’t flicking through Cosmo, getting detailed sex chats from their parents or watching porn.
Movies are dedicated to standard missionary, always. Sex education skims over the whole topic. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO?
This is how we end up doing weird, uncomfortable positions and wondering if the angles are remotely flattering. Spoiler: they’re not.
3. And, on that note, position changes
Oh hey, Hollywood industry, why do people only ever do a few minutes of missionary before joyfully climaxing?
No one told us we’d spend a significant portion of our sexy time getting bored of one thing, uncomfortably shifting from that to another, before going back to your personal old faithful before you finally get off.
Oh hey, Hollywood industry, why do people only ever do a few minutes of missionary before joyfully climaxing?
No one told us we’d spend a significant portion of our sexy time getting bored of one thing, uncomfortably shifting from that to another, before going back to your personal old faithful before you finally get off.
4. And position failure
The flying Scotsman (made that up, please don’t attempt to look it up in case it’s real and horrifying) looked so sexy, and easy to do. It wasn’t. Now you’re uncomfortable and feel a bit rubbish about your sexual prowess.
Are you supposed to keep trying? Change the angle slightly? Give up and try the same old?
We wouldn’t know, because no one warned us about this huge issue.
5. Queefs/vagina farts/undercarriage grumbles. Whatever you like to call them
The embarrassment of having your woman parts make a funny noise is massively intensified the first time, when you have literally no idea what the sound is or where it came from.
Let’s talk about it, people.
The first rom-com to add a queef sound effect to a romantic sex scene, and show the couple having a mini laugh and moving on, wins ALL THE OSCARS.*
*Sexual health and happiness Oscars, which are made up. By me.
6. When someone is sh*t in bed.
Come to think of it, did your sex education lessons even mention the concepts of sexual pleasure and the actual quality of sex? Mine didn’t.
How are you even supposed to respond when someone is just absolute rubbish at sexing? This could be an entire sex ed module. It should be. Because it’s awkward and uncomfortable (physically and emotionally), and we just don’t know what to do.
7. Having orgasms
We make weird faces and noises. It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing, obvs, but no one prepared us for it not being all glowy, quiet, and adorable.
8. And not having orgasms
Please, please, someone add ‘how to delicately say “actually, I’m probably not going to cum today, so you can stop now” without sounding like a dick’ to the curriculum.
Topics included: why not cumming doesn’t mean your partner isn’t doing a good job, how orgasms are complex delicate things that are sometimes like trying to catch feathers with a tiny butterfly net and the concept that you can still have fun, enjoyable sex without arriving at completion every time.
9. Responding to someone’s bizarre sexual preferences
Again, sexual preferences: something that’s mysteriously NEVER MENTIONED in sex education classes. Also, notice how everyone in the world of TV and film tends to be into very standard, kissing and missionary-type things. Other than 50 Shades of Grey, of course.
Miiiight have been helpful for someone to warn us that one day, the person we’re having sex with might bring up something that sounds entirely unappealing.
Or that we might have preferences that other people think are weird. But are totally normal and okay.
10. The inherent awkwardness/unsexiness of regular naked bodies
Adults of the world: you know when you were telling us about how the sperm fertilises the egg etc, etc?
Maybe at some point during that you could have said ‘one day, when you are having sex with someone you love, the position of your bodies might result in certain parts loudly knocking into each other. Or maybe they’ll make a weird, wet, sweaty noises.’
11. Crying
Did you know that sometimes orgasms get all intense, and make you get weepy? That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it have been nice for someone to tell us that before we started having sex, so we/our partners didn’t think we’re insane?
12. Making noises. Or silence
The whole ‘sex is for making babies or it’s a terrifying cesspit of STDs’ attitude in sex education means we rarely talk about the nitty-gritty having sex stuff.
Including the concept that while some people might make super sexy breathing noises or perfectly timed ‘oh, yeah’s’, others are silent. Or grunty.
But surely movies and TV could mention this, once? Because it would be SUPER helpful to know in advance that sex can, occasionally, be silent.
Other than the rubbing together of bodies and the creaking of a bed. We would like to know how to stop this from happening, too, because it is so, so uncomfortable.
13. Mismatched rhythms
Pre-sex, didn’t even know that this was an awkward, uncomfortable possibility. The idea of rhythm didn’t even cross our minds.
Thanks a lot for that pleasant surprise, world.
14. Terrible sexual chemistry
Ever watched a movie where the couple really, really liked each other, but then the sex was unbearably awkward? Oh. Me neither.
(If you have, send recommendations, because that is a movie I’d like to see).
15. The death of the ‘let’s rip each other’s clothes off’ energy
You’re going, it’s hot, and then suddenly it’s slowing to a halt, your mind is wandering, and you’re just not really that bothered about the moment.
Never has this been mentioned in popular culture. Which is why we continue, try to pretend that ‘yes, I am totally still enthusiastic and not at ALL thinking about watching Made in Chelsea’ and continue onwards.
16. The whole getting wet/getting it up thang
The way sex ed is taught means we’re told, in very to-the-point, biological terms, that blood will rush to a guy’s penis, and give him an erection, when he’s aroused.
No mention of how long that might take, how long it could last, or anything to do with women getting sex-ready.
Same with movies. Couple kiss and they’re ready to go.
Meanwhile, we’re over here desperately figuring out how to remedy dry vag + unenthusiastic penis situations. Hopefully not at the same time.
17. Talking dirty
Someone give us lessons, please.
19. Pain, UTIs, random sexual system-related issues
Oh dear LORD, we’re not prepared for random sex-related health mishaps without assuming that we’re dying.
Let’s all make a mental note to tell people that peeing post sex is a good idea, sometimes things are uncomfortable and if there’s major pain or something wrong, go to the doctor without feeling massively embarrassed. Important.
19. Penises and vaginas, in all their glory
Ask your female friends how many of them think their vaginas are pretty, or normal.
Think about how many times you’ve been surprised by how your sex partner’s junk looks.
Genitalia are weird, and different, and full of surprises and we would have just liked to have been a little bit more prepared for that, thanks.
Metro UK
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