America, we need to talk about football.
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You clearly have some of the greatest, maddest fans in the world.
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“Did you bring your chainsaw this week, Bill?”
“Yeah, it’s in my bag, with the other dangerous weapons.”
But – and sorry about this – you’re just getting a few things very, very slightly wrong.
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Being British, usually we wouldn’t say anything. But if you’re going to be better than us at a sport that we invented, you might as well get it right.
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1. Firstly, it’s not the BPL…
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2. It’s also not called the EPL…
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Excuse our French – we’re British.
3. You didn’t watch the “game” at the weekend,
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Children play games.
4. It’s not a “stadium”, or an “arena”, it’s a ground. It just is.
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5. And your “squad” didn’t win at the weekend,
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6. If you want to be even MORE correct, ask someone how their side got on at the weekend.
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Look how much fun it is to watch football in Britain.
7. Actually, fuck it, just ask them this exact phrase:
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8. You NEVER “hit a shot on frame”…
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9. It’s not “a good decision by the referee”, it’s a…
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Bloody great shout, ref.
10. The ref is still a wanker, obviously… but apparently you knew that already.
11. It’s never “zero–zero”, it’s “nil–nil”, and there’s nothing wrong with a hard-fought nil–nil with no shots on target.
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“What happened in the match?”
“Nothing whatsoever.”
“Sounds good.”
12. It’s not a “head-shot” it’s a header.
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It just is.
13. And what the hell is the “Upper Ninety”…? THE UPPER NINETY?!
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“Top corner” is the phrase you are looking for.
14. It’s not the “goal frame”. Come on, this is so obvious and logical…
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15. Cleats? Nah… boots.
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16. It’s a kit, not a “uniform”. A uniform is when everyone wears the same thing, like in…
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Fuck.
17. But it’s DEFINITELY not a “field”. It’s a pitch. You know what lives on a field?
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Unlike cows, footballers don’t shit all over the pitch.
Well, actually, apart from that one time…
18. Tim Howard isn’t a “goaltender”, he isn’t a “goalie”, he isn’t even really a “goalkeeper”. He’s just a…
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19. And it’s not a “goalkeeper punt”, it’s just a “goal kick”, because you are kicking the ball in the opposite direction to the goal, get it?
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Good.
20. This is not a “wall pass”, it’s a “one-two”.
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We’re inventive with our phrases.
21. And finally, it’s not “soccer”, it’s “football”. What kind of idiotic nation would invent a term like soccer…
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Sorry, America.
Love from the UK.
BUzzfeed
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